Year of questions: What’s sexy?

There’s a pretty interesting conversation going on over at the Good Men Project that has implications for men as we begin to feel more comfortable / open up about our inner lives.

You can get a full picture of the conversation here –>

The short version is this basic question/premise: are there are drawbacks to the relationship between men and women when a man opens up? E.g. will women find us less attractive, or lose respect for us.

Which got me to thinking, what’s so sexy about traditional male models? Or women? Or anyone for that matter?

First, I do want to point out that the conversation on the thread above is somewhat hetero-normative focused. I think the question gets even more interesting when you expand the conversation to include gays/lesbians, transsexuals/those who identify with opposite or mixed genders, people invested in poly-amorous relationships, etc… I’m not particularly qualified to address most of those perspectives, so I’d be interested to hear how other people look at it (and answer the question of what’s sexy).

From where I sit (again, fairly hetero-normative, or shorthand for “straight, but not narrow”) women that I’ve met / know seem to want it both ways.  Sexy often translates to “surprises me with flowers” or “is dark and mysterious” or “holds the door for me” and all sorts of other traditional markers. Let me be clear: I get that those are all fun things for women and I’m not advocating erasing them. But those are pretty low barriers to entry and don’t really involve a real evaluation of whether or not you’ll actually enjoy spending time with someone and/or experience growth (be it for a night, a couple of months, or years).

There’s a John Waters quote which roughly goes something like “if you go home with someone and they don’t have any books, don’t fuck ’em.”

I have a sort of variation on that myself, which is that if you hang out with someone and find that they have no driving passions, then you should get the hell out of there as quick as you can. Frankly, the same goes for friendships. Maybe they’re just on some different path, or it’ll take longer for them to truly get invested in their own life, but I prefer not to waste my time.

Anyway, the concept leads to how I would answer the question of what’s sexy, which is: a) when someone is passionate about their life and b) not required, but awesome when they can communicate that passion and are interested in your passions also.

For me, someone who demonstrates an interest in honest communication and willingness to be thoughtful about their inner life and share that with someone else, that’s about as sexy as it gets in my book.

So what’s sexy to you?


3 thoughts on “Year of questions: What’s sexy?”

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