The Bobcats Performance Review

(Note: this probably won’t make sense unless you are familiar with www.theoatmeal.com)

Last Name: Bobbers

First Name:  Bob

Title:  Master of the Universe [Manager edit: This is not your title Bob. The proper title is “Meeting Presentation Specialist and Training Coach” but now I have to put this note here since our review system does not allow for changes]

Department: Presentation and Training

Each goal should be reviewed and rated by both manager and employee. The purpose of the rating is to objectively describe the employee’s achievements through the year and provide positive and constructive feedback.

Professional Development & Business Goals

Section 1 – Category:  Communication

Goal Description: Improve communication and collaboration with co-workers

Rating by Bob Bobbers:  5.0

Manager Rating: 2.0

Manager Comments: Bob has shown some improvement, however certain conduct including batting co-workers in the face, leaving dead birds under desks, and one unfortunate incident involving a comparison between the CEO Mr. Jimmers and a bodily orifice have all been setbacks. Will need to increase communication and collaboration in 2012.

Employee Comments: *yawn*

Additional Manager Comments: Bob that is not an appropriate response to a year end review

Additional Employee Comments: ddddddddddfffffffassssssssssssssjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjkkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

Section 2 – Category:  Learning and Growth

Goal Description: Add design and creative skills to suite of experience

Success Defined as: Design marketing strategies and logos for at least two prominent projects

Rating by Bob Bobbers:  5.0

Manager Rating: 1.0

Manager Comments: Technically Bob did come up with marketing strategies and logos, however they were completely off-base. For example, Bob designed a logo for our company. Unfortunately the logo consisted of a tiger with chainsaws for feet, which was completely unusable. When asked to revise to something more appropriate, Bob instead sent back a picture of a unicorn with chainsaws for feet and stated that he apologized for the first logo “but this second one should be much better since unicorns are the sexiest of god’s beasts.” The logo depicted a unicorn with excessive mammary glands.

Employee Comments: Your breath smells like toenail clippings.


Section 3 – Behaviors Employee Should Start/Stop/Continue      

What behaviors or actions should this individual START to ensure future success in his/her current position?    

Manager Comments: Probably everything you would expect from a normal employee.

Employee Comments: Manager McManagerson should start combing his toupee to the left instead of the right.

Additional Manager Comments: Bob this section is for things that you should start doing.

Additional Employee Comments: 

Additional Manager Comments: Bob how did you even paste a picture into the review system?

Additional Employee Comments: ZZZZZZZZZ

What behaviors or actions should this individual STOP to ensure future success in his/her current position?     

Manager Comments: Bob should stop eating ink cartridges, stealing pudding cups from the break room refrigerator, chugging Siracha sauce in the break room, firing long time employees, eating grass in front of the smoking break area, hiding under newspapers during team meetings, scratching my computer monitor, wearing a cheetah thong to work on casual Friday, chasing employees down the basement stairs that he has previously lubricated with butter.

Employee Comments: Once again the mighty Bob Bobbers has devastated the SkyDemon!!!%%%$$!@@@@@@

What behaviors or actions should this individual CONTINUE to ensure future success in his/her current position?  

Manager Comments: I can’t think of any right now.

Employee Comments: BOBRACHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Section 4 – General Comments / Development Opportunities      

Manager Comments: Bob may not be the right employee here, he constantly wreaks havoc, refuses to collaborate with teammates and largely contributes to an unproductive workplace.

Employee Comments: You’re fired.

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